my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
