You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
