Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
