oh god the rape fog is back!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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