Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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