Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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