I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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