What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
