i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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