There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
