im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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