I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
