I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
