Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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