then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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