I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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