Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I haven't been this sober since birth.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Randomize
