Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
