Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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