I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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