Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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