i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
