I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This show inspires me to have sex in space
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
