my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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