So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
