He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
