My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
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Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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