Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Two words: nipple clamps
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