Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
