I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Will exercising make me less horny?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
