Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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