Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
