you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
