I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
