I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
