oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
