Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
