I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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