if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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