Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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