I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
