sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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