i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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