i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
