I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
