She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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