how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
