I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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