Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
