Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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