quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
