Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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