I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
