dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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