my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
