The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
