if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
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You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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